Not going to delete it because, well, this is blog has a part of my true self, but forget (almost) everything about the last couple of posts... it was a mistake, I knew it was but still, I fed my hopes. It's awful. I feel so dumb, like, really, really dumb. I feel disgusted. How... how the fuck I'm able to keep doing this to myself? Why I can't learn from what happened? Why do I insist in someone who does not have the same feelings that I do?

 There's a couple of things that I feel like I shouldn't write here. It's too personal and I have plans to open this blog to the world again, someday. But, boy, I can't believe it. I am crying because of her, again. Fuck me. It makes me just so, so, so sad to perceive what I am doing right now. I just can't believe it. I can't. How am I able to be so naive and still be alive? I am feeling so sad right now. And feeling really bad for this. I am feeling bad for myself because I am sad because of her. Does that make sense? I really hopes so. I really hope I can learn from my mistakes. I just can't take it any longer. It hurts me just so much. I really need help. I can't do this anymore. I don't know what is going to happen to me if I don't find a safe way to get out of this. I just want to talk to someone. I want someone to listen to me. I want to know if everything is going to be alright with me. I have 5 cats to care for. And my mom too. I need to take care of her. It's................ oh lord.

iam really sorry if u read this. really sorry